At a loss

Lots of thoughts today. I’ve had a few drafted posts that I’ve been meaning to get out lately, but recent events have led to this one being written and taking priority. Apologies if this seems a bit scatter-brained; hopefully the content of this post will help you understand why it may come across that way.

A man was shot and killed at my school this week. Charlie Kirk, a prominent right-wing speaker and the founder of a group called Turning Point USA, held an event to speak at Utah Valley University while on a tour of college campuses. Just a couple minutes after it started, he was shot in the neck; while he wasn’t officially pronounced dead until a few hours later, video footage by many of the people in attendance (which I do not recommend watching) gives the impression that he was very likely killed immediately. I wasn’t there in person at the event but I had been close by just about an hour earlier, having lunch and watching people gather. Knowing that Kirk was famous for his outlandish commentary, to put it mildly, I had planned that day to not be close by during the actual event since much of the discourse that could have come from it would be contentious, and I didn’t want to be part of it. Plus I had a class to get to.

After I was done eating I went to my classroom and hung out with a few of the people in my cohort, chatting and waiting for the class to begin at 1:00. However, around 12:30, we got a notification from a group chat that a shooter was on campus. Even with just that much detail, my gut told me that it was related to the Charlie Kirk visit. We barricaded ourselves in our room and waited for further instructions. Eventually our professor came and gave us the information that she had and that we were probably fine; a few minutes later the instructions changed and everyone on campus was told to evacuate and go home. I went out to my car and just waited for about an hour – where I was parked was quite far from my classroom, so hundreds of others were already trying to get out and causing gridlock – and I eventually made it home. Campus closed for the rest of the day and won’t be open again until Monday. Over following 24 hours, there were a couple different people apprehended as “people of interest” (which I guess is an officially different term than “suspect”?) but released. As of this morning it finally seems like the gunman has been apprehended, though I don’t know if he acted alone in all of it. Time will hopefully tell and those who need it will get all the information they need for closure. There is still so much to unfold from all of this, so much speculation, and so many emotions around the country. I feel at a loss to begin to describe it all. But I’ll try.

That day was one of the scariest of my life. Again, I wasn’t close to the event when the shot went off, but I very easily could have been. Hundreds, if not thousands of people, were in attendance; one fatal move and it could have been someone besides Kirk who was shot, or even multiple people hit. Video footage of where the gunman was, and eventually fled from, is a part of campus I easily recognize because I walk past it multiple times a week. Armed guardsmen were yelling at us to evacuate so they could get every building on lockdown. Multiple times I made sure I was in contact with my wife and family to let them know I was okay, but I didn’t have 100% certainty if that was going to be the case. Even until this morning, until news came out saying that they had an actual suspect in custody, I was worried about how safe I’d feel come Monday. I believe it’s going to feel very, very surreal for the next few weeks, if not longer.

Yesterday normally would have been a day I’d spend at work, which would have helped me keep my mind off of everything. However, with campus being closed and my job being at the library, I just spent it at home. I tried, unsuccessfully, to stay off of social media throughout the day, because a lot of the discourse was incredibly hate-filled. And not just to the gunman, but to Kirk as well. As I mentioned above, Kirk’s rhetoric and ideology outwardly claimed to embrace debate and opportunities to “change his mind”, but a lot of the actual comments he made were objectively offensive:

“I’m dealing with somebody in customer service who’s a moronic black woman. I wonder if she’s there because of her excellence or because of affirmative action.”

(about women like Michelle Obama and Ketanji Brown Jackson) “They’re coming out and saying ‘I’m only here because of affirmative action,’ and we know you do not have the brain processing power to be taken really seriously. You had to go steal a white person’s slot to be taken somewhat seriously.”

“I can’t stand the word ’empathy’. Actually, I think empathy is a made up, new-age term that does a lot of damage.”

“We should have an honest and clear reductionist view of gun violence, but we should not have a utopian one… I think it’s worth it. I think it’s worth to have a cost of unfortunately some gun deaths every single year so that we can have the Second Amendment to protect our other God-given rights. That is a prudent deal. It is rational.”

Those are just a few of the myriad examples of comments he made over the years that I strongly disagree with. How someone could claim to be a follower of Jesus Christ and also build a reputation on that kind of a platform just doesn’t make sense to me. Anything I heard about Kirk prior to Wednesday was something that just rubbed me the wrong way, which again was why I felt the urge to stay away from the debate on campus. I didn’t sign any kind of petition to prevent him from coming, or plan on protesting at the event; people are allowed to believe what they want, even if it’s hurtful. But our God-given agency means that we’re free to also act how we choose to.

I’ve talked a few times about my religion and personal political beliefs, and back in January I wrote a post about how, while I had my doubts, I hoped the second term for Trump would be better than the first. It didn’t take long for those hopes to be scattered, and it’s only felt worse since then. Yesterday there was a video put out from the White House and Trump saying that the “radical left” compared people like Kirk to Nazis, and that that kind of rhetoric is what’s responsible for the tragedies we see today. It’s language like his, though, that feels like it’s inciting horrific violence – that his administration will “find each and every one of those who contributed to this atrocity,” because “radical left political violence has hurt too many innocent people and taken too many lives.” But what’s coming out now about the shooter is that he wasn’t necessarily left-leaning at all. Not a part of the LGBTQ+ community. Just someone who disagreed with the extreme stances – because there’s no doubt that some of them were extreme – that Kirk had. So many people have been jumping to conclusions and absolutes before learning all the facts, and, more importantly, before remembering that any kind of violence isn’t the answer. Be it in words or deeds.

Mentally this is about all I can muster to write. So to end this post, I’ll share some words from people or groups I actually respect.

“It is with great sadness that we learn of the shooting that took place at Utah Valley University resulting in the death of Charlie Kirk. Our prayers go out to his family at this time. We condemn violence and lawless behavior. We also pray that we may treat one another with greater kindness, compassion, and goodness. For members of the Church, we reaffirm the Savior’s teaching and admonition to love our neighbor.” – Doug Andersen, spokesman for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

“My heart is with Charlie Kirk’s family, and with the United States. Politics has become a disease in this country, and it’s deadly. But don’t listen to the pessimists who say there is no cure. There is a cure. It is inside of us. We must find our better angels and walk back from the extremes. If we can’t agree on anything else, we must find agreement that we don’t solve our debates with violence. This is a horrible tragedy. May it also be a moment for everyone to rediscover their humanity.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

“On the subject of public discourse, we should all follow the gospel teachings to love our neighbor and avoid contention. Followers of Christ should be examples of civility. We should love all people, be good listeners, and show concern for their sincere beliefs. Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious. We should be wise in explaining and pursuing our positions and in exercising our influence. In doing so, we ask that others not be offended by our sincere religious beliefs and the free exercise of our religion. We encourage all of us to practice the Savior’s Golden Rule: ‘Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.'” – President Dallin H. Oaks, first counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, back in 2014

“Charlie Kirk is dead, yet another victim of gun violence in a nation where what should be a rarity has turned into a plague. It cannot be a question of political agreement or alignment that allows us to mourn; it must be the shared notion of humanity that binds us all. And that humanity, it reminds us that this news is not just that of the murder of a prominent political figure, but also the news of a wife who grieves her husband, if a one-year-old and a three-year-old who will grow up without a father, and the fact that there are families feeling that same anguish right now in Colorado as they wait for their children, also shot in a school, to emerge from surgery. It is the same anguish that too many across our city and our nation reckon with in silence every day as we contend with an epidemic of suffering. We can and we must do more to challenge a status quo that has allowed this pain to become routine, that has allowed the question of which mass shooting to respond to the news of one that is shared. And it is incumbent upon all of us to repair the tears in our shared civic fabric and to make our nation one that is worthy of its greatest ideals.” – Zohran Mamdani, current candidate for mayor of New York City

“I’m old enough to personally remember the political violence of the 1960s. And I hope it is obvious to everyone in America that political violence does not solve any of our political differences. Political violence only leads to more political violence. And I pray with all my heart that this is the aberrant actions of a madman and not a sign of things to come.” – Stephen Colbert

“UVU has been shut down until Monday, and whenever something like this happens at a school anywhere, there are social services and counseling offered to students. Formal help through school health services can be a good thing, but it is also up to us to come together as peers and friends to provide support for one another. For a few days, things will be a little crazy in the national press. We, as an institution, will be front and center in the news. There is nothing we can do about that, except not allow it to become overburdensome for all of us. As you know, I’m at home right now – most of us are home right now. That means that some of us may be isolated – but none of us are alone. We are a community of friends, peers, and colleagues with many common bonds. Let’s please ensure everyone in our group has the support they need this weekend. Believe it or not, I care very much for all of you as individuals. I want all of us to find success in those things we choose to pursue. Please be kind with those in your sphere of influence, and reach out to one another if you need to talk.” – Rodayne Esmay, one of my current professors

“I would like that today we may together begin to build a culture of reconciliation. We must meet one another, heal our wounds, and forgive the wrongs we did and did not do, but whose effects we still carry. There are no enemies – only brothers and sisters. What we need are gestures and policies of reconciliation.” – Pope Leo XIV

“The Lord expects us to be peacemakers, as President Nelson has taught. There’s much in today’s culture, in today’s society, in many parts of the world, that focuses on retribution. Revenge. But the Lord says, ‘Vengeance is mine.’ And we need to be able to learn to leave judgment to Him. Difficult as it may seem to be, we have the responsibility to pray for those who may persecute us, as He said in the Sermon on the Mount. They’re all His children. The Lord isn’t saying to us that we have to tolerate abuse, or remain in circumstances or situations that are harmful. The Lord says to us that we can, even should, seek redress.We forgive, but we move on. God will care for those who turn to Him. He does not abandon us. Whatever the challenges or trials, persecution may be, He says, ‘Therefore, let your hearts be comforted; for all things shall work together for good to them that walk uprightly, and to the sanctification of the church… I will raise up unto myself a pure people, that will serve me in righteousness; And all that call upon the name of the Lord, and keep his commandments, shall be saved.’
I think of an experience in my own life many years ago, when I was facing a severe financial challenge, and I prayed for some miraculous resolution, and that was not granted. But I turned to the Lord frequently, even daily, for the help I needed to deal with this challenge, moment to moment, day to day, week to week. And it took several years for a final full resolution to come about, but I found that I could turn to Him every day in prayer and seek His help and receive my daily bread, so to speak, the help I needed in that moment. And I found that the consequence of that experience was that I developed a much closer relationship with God and with the Savior than perhaps could have come in any other way. The bottom line is that we turn to God, not away from God. Whatever the chastening, whatever the challenge, He will remember mercy when we turn to Him.” – Elder D. Todd Christofferson, apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from a message posted about four hours before the event started

“Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.” – Jesus Christ, from the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:43-45)